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On 7/17/23 M.S. completed a 7- week, online, one-on-one Grief Recovery Method Ⓡ program with me. She gave me permission to share this transcript of a closing conversation we had when the program was finished. I hope you will read it and consider the Grief Recovery Method for yourself. In the following audio, voices were computer generated to protect the anonymity of the client.

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What made you decide to try the Grief Recovery Method?

I was looking forward to understanding what the Grief Recovery Method was, not only in healing myself with the a recent death of a parent, but also considering some of the other losses in my life. And hopefully to have some better tools to be a servant to others who might be experiencing some grief.

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If somebody said, well, I've heard this name, Grief Recovery, I don't know what it is, what would you tell them? Share what it is, and how it was beneficial, and why you recommended it.

The Grief Recovery Method for me was a way to complete my own broken heart. After experiencing the recent death of a parent, I appreciated the reading, I appreciated the format, I appreciated having someone listen without judgment or criticism or comment. I appreciated that whole "heart with ears" concept.

I will use that phrase probably 'til my dying day, I think. It was just more than a textbook. Our sessions were not meant to be counseling sessions, but it was a place where I was able to find healing from a grief experience that I didn't even know existed as deeply as it did.

So, it helped uncover some feelings for me that allowed me to say, "I love you and goodbye" and feel like it was complete. There was completion to the grief. Yeah.

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That was a wonderful statement. Now that you have completed the online one-on-one Grief Recovery Method, what are some of the differences between what you thought the program might be before you started compared to what you think and feel after having completed the program?

I truly didn't come in with any preconceived ideas of what it might be, I just know it was beneficial in helping me complete, or feel more complete, with the loss of a parent.

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Thank you. Can you please describe what it was like to have these meetings and to receive instructions online?

I honestly appreciate the convenience of an online meeting. The comfort of my own home helps with some sense of security, I think, in going into the lessons. And I very much appreciated the one-on-one focus and attention, I very much appreciated knowing the trust I had in you as a mentor. Having that experience in walking this part of my journey with you one-on-one, I think was very helpful.     I think one of the phrases that I've latched onto was “being a heart with ears.” I love that, I love that visual that I get in my own brain. And I love that thought of being a "heart with ears" and certainly that's something I found in you, Dave, and I very much appreciated it.

Thank you.   This program is based on the book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. What was it like to have reading assignments every week?

I think it helped broaden my understanding. There were several statements throughout the book that I highlighted, that I very much appreciated being able to refer to--statements like taking responsibility. I think the statement was something about being willing to take 1% responsibility rather than feeling 100% a victim to the loss.

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So, I found that the reading and the one-on-one sessions were that 1% responsibility. And it was really helpful for me to think about being able to take action for my own healing and recovery.   I appreciated some of the parts in the book about forgiveness, but I really appreciated the fact that they talked about taking action before the feeling of forgiveness would come, that the action was something that was necessary before a feeling. That was a powerful thought for me.

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The completion letter was amazing, to really organize my thoughts the way the Grief Recovery Method asks you to do it. I very much appreciated the closing of the letter, which really did offer for me a sense of completion of the healing. So, I thought that was very meaningful. I think the text supported what we talked about and gave some information in addition to what our hour-and-a-half to two-hour sessions allowed. So, it just helped to kind of flesh out the whole process. The reading was very meaningful to me.

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Thanks so much. I appreciate your responses. Were there surprises for you as you went through the steps of the Grief Recovery Method?

I was a bit surprised at my own emotion, honestly. I didn't expect to get as emotional, especially with the statements that I needed to make. So that was very powerful.

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Can you talk about what was underneath the surprise?

I think you were exactly right. My mother had Alzheimer's, and so on the surface when I was feeling relief at my mother's passing, that she was no longer suffering, she was no longer exhibiting those behaviors that were very contrary to the woman I knew her to be. I was surprised at some of the guilt and shame that I experienced in her living that I really did need to deal with. And so it was that probing at a deeper level and at a feeling level that required me to think more deeply about what I had experienced.

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Would you agree that this method helped you discover and uncover those feelings? And if so, could you express that in your own words?

Yes, I think what was helpful, was having the format of being able to organize my thoughts and my feelings with those areas of apology, forgiveness, and significant emotional statements. And then being able to think about those things with some real feeling words or really causing me deep reflection on what I was feeling at a variety of times along my journey with my mother. Those steps were very helpful, and then writing it in letter form actually to my mother made it very powerful and personal.

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What were some of the challenges you faced going through the method?

I think confronting my own emotion or feelings, I think I got pretty good at it. The book describes it as the Academy Award Face, trying to paint the picture that everything's okay when there's some woundedness below the surface. So, it was really helpful for me to think deeply about experiences at the feeling level and then express those.

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I really did have an understanding, believed and from experience in my own life, that there is definitely a part of healing when the pain can be shared with someone willing to listen to you tell your story. And so that piece, also of not only the deep reflection, but also being able to share those reflections definitely was part of the healing.

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Having completed the Grief Recovery Method program, can you describe some of the benefits this approach has given you?

I think there's a freedom in knowing that healing has taken place for me in dealing with the specific loss of my mother, with whom I had a very good relationship overall. It caused me to really think not only about her last several years with Alzheimer's, but the duration of my life with her, which I hadn't given a lot of thought to since her death. So, I think it helped to uncover some joy-filled and some more challenging moments that I hadn't spent a lot of time reflecting on.

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What would you say to someone who asked you if signing up for the Grief Recovery Method was worth it?

I would say it's definitely worth it because none of us like being stuck in that place of brokenness and pain. There are tools that are helpful to bring recovery and relief, and I think that for me, it was an exciting discovery in my own particular recent loss, but also thinking of prior losses. And then hopefully thinking about some things that could be of help to others moving forward. I very much appreciated some of the myths that we talked about and that the book addressed as well.

And some of the harmful cliches that we often use, like “I know how you feel,” that's a big one that I was guilty of using myself. And I obviously don't know how anyone else feels but I think going through the program offered me some tools for my own benefit, and I'm hoping they will help me to be more sensitive to others who are experiencing grief.

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One of the perspectives of the Grief Recovery Method is that this method can be applied to many situations of loss. Do you think that's true? If so, can you comment about that?

Yes. I would assume that. I've only done it specifically with this one loss, the death of a parent, but I absolutely am assuming that it will be as meaningful with any type of loss or grief. Any kind of broken heart, yes.

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Did you experience going through the Grief Recovery Method as a  "safe place or safe space" for yourself, for your heart?

Yes, absolutely. And I think that certainly that's the responsibility of the person who is leading the sessions. It was very easy for me to immediately place trust. I appreciated the statements that you began with each of our lessons, that you were going to be a "heart with ears," that you would be a confidante, and that I could trust that the information wouldn't be shared. It certainly easy for me to believe that, and trust you as my mentor through the process. So it felt very safe. I mean, I didn't have any time when it felt uncomfortable or that I questioned whether or not you could be trusted and the information I shared with you would be safe with you.

 

Would you recommend David Brinker as a trained Grief Recovery Method Specialist to present the program to others?

Yes, I absolutely would. What comes to mind for me first is your willingness to share some of your own journey with some of your own grief and pain with me, your vulnerability and your openness with me very quickly led to my feeling that I could be very open and vulnerable with you.

 

So, I appreciated the warmth that you had, the way you extended yourself. I appreciated you being authentic and honest with me. So, it was therefore very easy for me to be the same with you. You reminded me numerous times you would be that "heart with ears," the virtual hug you asked me to give myself, as well as you giving yourself that virtual hug, led to a place of real warmth and compassion. So, yes, I would very quickly, very easily recommend you as a mentor through the process.

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Thank you. Some people ask, why is it seven or eight weeks long? What would your answer be to that question?

I think there's a lot of reasons why it needs to take some time. I think that emotionally it's important to take time in between the sessions to give such deep thought. I think emotionally I wouldn't have been able to handle it all in a session or two.

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I think the breadth of the material that's covered, just a wide range of things from the “S.T.E.R.B.s” that they talk about, to those myths, to having a better understanding really of what forgiveness is.   I wouldn't shortchange any of those things and it just really wouldn't have been possible to cover it all in a week or two. And emotionally, I don't know that I could have handled it all at once.    And I think it was very important for me to not let myself, especially at your encouragement, stay at the surface level. When one digs deeply into a heart and feeling level, it takes a bit of emotional energy to process it all. And I think that the timing of it seemed very appropriate.

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Now I think the timing was really just about right. I don't know that I would have been interested in lingering on this for another six or eight weeks. It feels like it needs to get complete. But I think the number of those weeks is very appropriate.

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Any closing last random thoughts?

I didn't have any preconceived idea of what this process was going to be like. But I think it was the organization of it, and then the final letter, and having my thoughts heard by someone who I trusted and was very compassionate. I think it helped bring that loss full circle. I mean, going from that place of loss to healing and relief. There was real power in feeling that the grief, the pain, the loss, the broken heart...there was a sense of completion that came about eventually with the letter.

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I appreciated the way we were directed very specifically and how to begin the letter and close the letter. And then the steps were outlined clearly into those categories, it was just meaningful. It was a meaningful letter. So there was power, particularly, I think, in the end that felt like a letting go.  It does.

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Thank you again for your willingness and your depth of sharing.

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