Practical Tips: Words that Hurt and Words that Help
At times expressions voiced to a grieving person can be hurtful rather than helpful. Here are examples of things grievers said they wish people would stop saying to someone who’s grieving:
1. “How are you doing?” (especially if the person feels she/he can’t be emotionally honest.)
2. “You’ll be okay after a while.”
3. “I understand how you feel.”
4. “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
5. “Stop crying.”
6. “At least he’s in a better place; his suffering is over.”
7. “At least she lived a long life, many people die young.”
8. “She brought this on herself.”
9. “Aren’t you over him yet, he’s been dead for a while now.”
10. “There is a reason for everything.”
11. “God’s in charge.”
12. “She was such a good person; God wanted her to be with Him.”
13. “Just give it time. Time heals.” (Time alone, by itself, does not heal, taking the right action steps heals.)
14. “You’re young; you can still have other children.”
15. “You’ll do better next time in love.”
16. “It was just a dog or cat. You can get another one.”
17. “Stay busy. Don’t think about it.”
18. “You have to be strong for your spouse, children, mother, etc.” (This diminishes their own need to heal.)
19. “Just move on.”
20. Don’t tell them clichés (religious or otherwise). Don’t offer advice. Don’t compare a person’s loss or grief with what you have gone through, even if similar. Don’t analyze. Don’t think they need to be fixed. Don’t intellectualize other’s grief. Listen, be a heart with ears!
Even if true, intellectual cliches do not heal emotional pain.
Some Things to Say to (or Do for) a Grieving Person
Here are examples of better ways to communicate and connect with someone who’s in mourning.
1. “I’m so sorry for your sadness.” "I'm sorry you're suffering."
2. “I’m grieving with you.”
3. “_______ was a wonderful person.”
4. “I love you, friend. I love and miss ____, too. You both mean the world to me.”
5. “I wish I had the right words. Please know I care and I’m here for you. I’m interested in what this is like for you. When you want to talk about this loss I will be an open heart for you.”
6. “You and your loved ones are in my heart / prayers.”
7. “I can’t fully imagine how you feel. If you want to tell me something about how you feel, I’d be glad to just listen.” (Then be quiet and let them tell you about their feelings. Listen without judgment, criticism or comparison.)
8. “I’m here for you.” (Better yet, if there is some specific need, ask if you can do it for them. Ask if you can make phone calls or send emails on their behalf.)
9. “Can I go to the funeral?” (This is often an important sign of support.)
10. “Want to talk about what happened?” (Many people avoid this question, but it helps the griever to explain it, if they desire, and having a compassionate ear can help them process it more accurately.)
11. "Tell me about your loved one."
12. “It’s ok if you cry around me, I won’t mind.”
13. “When you feel ready, I’d like to share a memory with you.” (Share a positive memory about the person who has died. )
14. "You must really miss them."
15. “I want to check in on you after all this settles down. I’ll follow up in a week or two, or before if you’re up for it.” (Then continue connecting, even after a few months. Many people are inundated in the first few weeks, but they need support long after the funeral is over.)
16. Do use the name of the person who died.
17. Just be present. Don’t fall into the fix-it trap. Don’t give unsolicited solutions or advise people.
18. Be empathetic. It’s okay for you to show your feelings, but do not compare your feelings or loss to someone else.
19. Offer a heartfelt hug, squeeze of the hand or even a knowing glance. Cry right along with them if you feel the need; it will show just how much you really care.
20. Be a safe person who can create a safe place for emotions to be expressed, voiced and heard. Grievers want to be heard not fixed!
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